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<title>reflections still look the same to me (as before i went under) by CommanderMollyOBrien</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28264446">reflections still look the same to me (as before i went under)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderMollyOBrien/pseuds/CommanderMollyOBrien'>CommanderMollyOBrien</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>it's peaceful in the deep (cathedral where you cannot breathe) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abusive Relationships, Dark Humor, Gen, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mairon and miriel desperately need friends, Númenor, Seriously a lot of drinking to Cope, Silvergifting and melkor/mairon are discussed but don't appear onscreen, Very cheerful discussions of murdering rapists, Weird tangential conversations about soullessness and husbands and disassociation and gender, a bit of feminist-eldritch abomination solidarity against medieval gender roles, and the referenced dubcon is pharazon/mairon, aro-ace tar-míriel, miriel and mairon are team "we HATE pharazon", the references to rape are pharazon/miriel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:41:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>826</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28264446</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderMollyOBrien/pseuds/CommanderMollyOBrien</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A long conversation between Tar-Míriel and Tar-Mairon.</p><p>Title from Never Let Me Go by Florence + the Machine.</p><p>Seriously, mind the tags, because this covers a lot of dark topics.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Annatar/Celebrimbor | Telperinquar, Ar-Pharazon/Tar-Miriel, Celebrimbor | Telperinquar/Sauron | Mairon, Morgoth Bauglir | Melkor/Sauron | Mairon, Sauron | Mairon &amp; Tar-Míriel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>it's peaceful in the deep (cathedral where you cannot breathe) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025038</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>reflections still look the same to me (as before i went under)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Go to the damned Void," Mairon grabbed the door as Míriel attempted to slam it in his face.</p><p>"Look, Tar-Míriel, I'm sorry about last night," Mairon sighed, "I tried to talk Pharazon out of it. You looked at him like you didn't even feel alive anymore, like you'd rip out his throat if you could. And I know that look, because I see it every day in the mirror.</p><p>"Also," he gestured with the bottle in his hand, "I brought the good rum."</p><p>"Come on in," she laughed bitterly, "I don't want to rip out Pharazon's throat. I want to drown him. More painful that way."</p><p>"We could hunt him down," Mairon grinned, "Watch him slowly die of thirst in the deserts of Harad."</p><p>Míriel sat down and poured herself a glass of rum, "Never thought I'd say this, Tar-Mairon, but I like the way you think. I want to chop off his hands first, so he can never touch me again."</p><p>"Mhm. We'd have a time keeping him from dying of infection, though," he shrugged, "but that'd be pretty fun to watch, too."</p><p>She swigged her rum, "What'd you think we should do with the corpse? I've always liked bone jewelry."</p><p>Mairon poured himself a drink, "I could make a crown out of his bones."</p><p>"That's a good idea. Now I want a bone crown too," Míriel giggled madly, "Can you imagine how awkward it would be if we showed up to the same event with matching crowns?"</p><p>Mairon broke down laughing, "We'd never be able to live down the fashion disaster!"</p><p>After a minute of the mad laughter of those who have not been able to express suffering for a long time, Míriel said, breathing hard, "I still want Tar-Minyatur's crown, though. Maybe I could pull it out of the vaults, add some bone decorations to it."</p><p>Mairon looked affronted, "That is Tyelperinquar Curufinwe's work. You are not going to touch it." </p><p>"Why do you care?" Míriel sounded baffled.</p><p>"I can appreciate good craftmanship," he then muttered under his breath, "And it's Tyelperinquar's."</p><p>"Oh, don't tell me, I remember now," Míriel said, "I've heard of him. He's the one with the Rings."</p><p>"He's the one with the Rings," Mairon repeated, then made a valiant effort to drain his entire glass of rum in one attempt.</p><p>After a minute, he said, "He was going to marry me, before he figured who I was. I did want to marry him."</p><p>Míriel responded, "He must have been really been incredible. You-"</p><p>"Yeah, I know. Not exactly the marrying type," Mairon reached for more rum, "I was married. Before the War of Wrath."</p><p>"Who'd you marry?" Míriel asked.</p><p>Mairon sipped his drink, "Melkor."</p><p>"You were married to the embodiment of all chaos and evil in the universe?" Miriel sighed, "Well, that explains a lot." </p><p>"It was really nice for a couple millennia. I loved him, he loved me, then the War of Wrath happened, and now he's gone," Mairon sighed, "I still miss him, you know, every day."</p><p>"Hold on," Míriel demanded, "Are you telling me that the embodiment of all evil and chaos in the universe was a better husband to you than my husband is to me?"</p><p>"Not how I would put it, but pretty much," Mairon said.</p><p>"That is fucking outrageous," Míriel grumbled. Mairon couldn't actually bring himself to argue.</p><p>After a minute, Míriel said, "I've never been in love. Ever. Since we're sharing personal things now."</p><p>Mairon nodded, "Good for you. Being in love is awful."</p><p>Míriel laughed, "You're not exactly unbiased on that front."</p><p>"True," he admitted, "My romantic history is terrible. And I'm older than the concept of romantic love." </p><p>She seemed perplexed, "Really?"</p><p>He put down his glass, "I'm older than time. And Arda. And the sun and moon. And gender."</p><p>Míriel asked, "Wait, why did gender make that list?"</p><p>He shrugged, "It's the sort of thing you need to say in human societies." </p><p>"Men are obsessed with it," Míriel added, "I'm going to scream if I hear the phrase "the fairer sex" one more time."</p><p>"I've turned a woman and man and a wolf and fire," Mairon shrugged, "It doesn't feel any different to me."</p><p>"I've never seen you turn into a woman," she pointed out.</p><p>"Numenor is an awful place to be a woman," Mairon responded, "I don't know how you do it."</p><p>"Neither do I," she added, "It's awful. Sometimes, when I'm with Pharazon, it feels like I'm just watching myself move and talk and I don't even really exist."</p><p>He nodded, "I think I know the feeling. I mean, I'm missing half my soul. Literally."</p><p>"I know. And before you ask," she paused to drink more rum, "I'm not selling my soul to you for a magic ring or anything. Life is horrible enough even with a soul and the capacity to feel joy."</p><p>"That's fair," he nodded, "Are you going to finish that rum?"</p><p>"Fuck, yes."</p>
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